The time has come,' the Walrus said,

...

      To talk of many things:

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —

      Of cabbages — and kings —

And why the sea is boiling hot —

      And whether pigs have wings.'

I'm finally ready mentally to consider what my options are for the end of my life.  As Canada now has legal assisted dying, I have that option available to me.  I also have the options of hospice care although I'm not totally sure what that would include.  There is also the option of unassisted suicide but I can't see me going that route.  I think that next week it will be time to set up an appointment to talk to Amanda and/or Josh about these options. 

As with so many other aspects of this disease, I seem to have a weight lifted once I've decided on something.  I feel sad that the disease has brought me to this place, but relieved somewhat to have finally grabbed the bull by the horns.

I'd like to stay in my home as long as I can without becoming a burden on anyone.  I realize that I need assistance with a multitude of things and I am lucky in that I can pay someone to do some of the things needed.  I have Brenda to come clean the house and she will do things like change the bedding and do my laundry while she is here.  Home Care staff are getting paid to do their part so I don't feel like I am a burden to them, it is their job to look after people like me.  Kaede I am able to pay to do my shopping so I don't feel too bad about asking her to get groceries and stuff for me.  I am also thinking that B should be able to help out a bit more around the house as he is living here rent free.  It's going to be time to have a chat with him soon about what I expect and what he is willing to do.  We are going to have to have the 'talk' soon about my wishes for the end of my life.  It's going to be a tough one but we can't avoid having the conversation forever.

When I can no longer manage to stay at home on my own, I need to find out what my options are.  I'm thinking that having a staff stay with me would be much to costly for me so will probably need to go to a place in the city.  I guess that once I'm at that point, maybe it won't bother me as much to give up on my last bits of independence.  As I said, Amanda and/or Josh can fill me in on what I can expect.

Another thing that is bothering me is the need to go to Dr. appointments.  As my oxygen requirements are so high, just thinking about having to go for an appointment is very stressful.  I have a couple of appointments coming up next month and will need to contact them to find out if we can talk on the phone rather than me going to their offices.  To go to the office I would need at least 6 tanks for the trip there and back as well as whatever number of tanks for the duration of the appointment. (in other words, I would have to take every tank I have with me and try to find some way to manage them).  I think I mentioned in my last post about the oncologist appointment cancellation - The Dr. is on board with my cancelling the CT scan and his follow up appointment.  If the cancer does rear its ugly head again, treatment will likely cause more problems than it will solve.  My other appointments are for the hematologist and with the ILD pulmonologist.  I also think that somewhere down the road I will have to deal with seeing a urologist for my kidney and liver but I'm going to try to ignore that for now.

Something I should be thinking about is going to bed at decent times.  I've been spending much too much time dozing in my chair instead of going to bed.  Need to work on that issue.  For example, it is now 2 a.m. and I just woke from a mini nap again - didn't go to bed at all last night.

I decided it is time to start to use the walker in the house.  It does make it easier to get around.  Between that and using the narcotic whenever I need to do something, I should be able to make my life a bit more manageable.

Talk again soon!