This blog started out as just musings from my mind but has since morphed into my NSIP Journey.
Friday, 21 December 2018
Christmas Spirit Missing
Christmas is just a few short days away and I just don't seem to have any Christmas spirit.
I don't want to think this way, but I keep thinking that this will be my last Christmas and I'll be with my mom and hubby next year. That I'll see them again has been the only silver lining (although not the best one) I've been able to find for this disease.
NSIP is taking and taking from me. I'm no longer driving my car, I'm stuck in the house 24/7 tethered to the machines, taking narcotics without worrying about getting addicted and needing assistance with all but the most minor activities.
I am not a candidate for lung transplant because of the cancer so my options are only a natural death or euthanasia. I'm leaning towards the latter so I have at least some degree of control.
Cancelled my cancer x-ray and the oncologist is on board about the reasons why. He feels that there wouldn't be much he could do if the cancer does come back. Also cancelled my nephrology appointment. If my kidneys and liver do decide to cause problems, I'll deal with that then.
I worry about my son and how he will deal with my death - his dad's death hit him hard and I want to know that he has a solid support system in place before I go.
At least I can still crochet and hopefully my craft room will get useable in the near future so I can make cards. I've been busy making Christmas gifts for everyone in my family so they will have something from me when I'm gone. Don't know if they will appreciate them but all I can do is try.
Good news is that I now have some money. Got my pension finally and now my car is paid off. Have the money to travel - now if only I could figure out a way to do so. Ain't that a hoot! Maybe I'll give B some cash for Christmas so he can at least get out of debt.
This post hasn't been so much cathartic like previous ones but I figured that before I started writing it. Guess it is a good thing that no one reads my posts this one is especially depressing. Wonder if anyone will read them when I'm gone.
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