I'M PISSED OFF!! AND YES I'M AWARE MY CAP LOCK IS ON! IT IS ON BECAUSE I'M YELLING!
I HATE NEEDING THE OXYGEN TANKS! I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATH PROPERLY WITHOUT IT. I can't even go to the fucking bathroom without getting out of breath let alone have a shower, make a meal, do housework and so on and so on. It scares the shit out of me that I can't catch my breath sometimes.
I HATE THE FRICKING COUGHING SPELLS AFTER EVEN A BIT OF EXERTION! I hate that I cough hard enough to make myself pee and sometimes even hard enough that I almost puke. I hate trying not to breathe deeply so I don't trigger another coughing spell when I know that damned tickle isn't going to go away until I do.
I HATE THAT MY FUCKING SHOULDER HURTS LIKE HELL IF I SO MUCH AS MOVE IT THE WRONG WAY FOR EVEN A SECOND! I'm having to learn new ways to dress, cook, etc. but I still forget sometimes and I pay for my forgetfulness with pain that is often enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and cry, screech out every swear word I know or at the very least bring tears to my eyes.
I HATE THAT MY POOR INNOCENT KITTY IS INJURED. And I hate myself because I just don't have the energy to look after her today. I hate that I just don't have it in me to give all the critters the attention they deserve.
I HATE THAT THIS GOD DAMNED HOUSE ISN'T SELLING SO I'M STUCK IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. OK, I know there are good parts about this town but I'm in MAD mode right now! I want to go home to where my friends and my kid is. I have a friend going through some shit right now and I'm not there to help her out.
I HATE THAT I MADE SUCH A STUPID BUNCH OF FRIGGING DECISIONS AFTER HOWARD DIED. I resent that no-one bitch-slapped me and told me to smarten up! I think in hind-sight that I was hoping someone would. I hate that I come across as so stubborn that my friends figured intervening wouldn't do any good.
I HATE THAT HOWARD UP AND DIED ON ME! When I meet up with him in the afterlife, I'm going to hug the hell out of him and then I'm going to beat the snot out of him for leaving me!
I HATE THAT MY SISTER DIED! She was just too young to go. I am mad as hell at her too because she probably wouldn't have died if she had followed Dr. orders and treated herself better. I'm mad that I didn't get off my ass and go to see her again while I still had the chance - 'I'll go see her later this summer' - yeah, that fucking played out well, didn't it!
I HATE THE DR. FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT IS CAUSING MY LUNG PROBLEM! He's the fucking Dr. so he should know what it is and how to make it better!
I HATE DEATH PERIOD! I miss my mommy so much every day, I miss seeing my dad whenever I would drive into the Supermarket parking lot. I think of him every time I hear a train whistle blow. I miss my awesome brother-in-law who was taken by the hated fricking cancer. Hell, I even resent that death took my grandparents before I was born so I never got to know them.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY I'M A STRONG WOMAN! I'm no stronger than anyone else. I just don't show that I'm hurting because everyone has their own problems to deal with and don't need mine as well! That is BULLSHIT! I do want some people to know so they can hug me or hold my hand until I don't feel so damned alone/scared/hurt. I do want someone to cry with me, thus letting me know it is OK to cry once in a while. I want to know that someone out there really does give a damn about me!
SOMETIMES I EVEN HATE MYSELF! I hate that I can't allow myself to cry, I hate that I feel so much - sometimes I wish I could just be that gal that doesn't give a crap about others.
I REALLY HATE THAT I'M SCARED THAT THESE DAMNED, FUCKING LUNGS WON'T GET BETTER! I keep trying to focus on what the Dr. said about the progress of the scarring on my lungs - IPF goes from bottom up and mine is going from top down but aren't always successful. I don't have the foggiest frigging clue what that truly means but I'm terrified about it being IPF and a potential death sentence. I really wish I hadn't googled lung scarring when I first learned that I may have some.
I so want to talk to someone about all this but I don't want to put my problems on anyone else's shoulders. I guess I'll just continue to suck it up and hope that one day I don't explode!
I am afraid to use the O2 too often as have only a limited supply to use every month. I've only had the tanks since Monday and have already used up one and most of another.
Rant over. Writing this and my previous bout of yelling to no-one (but the dogs weren't sure if they should run or come to make me feel better) seems to have eased my mood a bit. Now I am exhausted so I think a nap may be in order.
Til we meet again.
Friday, 26 August 2016
Friday, 12 August 2016
The Demon Rears Its Ugly Head....Again!
Here is my past few months in a nutshell. Once I get some health stuff settled, I may do another blog about some of these adventures.
February - I went on my 2nd solo trip. For those not in the know, my first solo trip was a few years ago. I did a short road trip to North Dakota for a few days and found the trip kind of boring without someone to share it with. After this, I had some hesitation about going to Mexico alone but I thoroughly enjoyed the trip - in fact, I didn't want to go home after my week was up! I loved it so much that I bought a small 5 yr timeshare package. I am now in the process of booking my next trip there.
May - My oldest sister passed away unexpectedly at the young age of 67. Needless to say, this was a sad period for me. Her memorial service was done in Edmonton on July 28. It is sad that the only time I seem to get in touch with my cousins is at funerals. I got to see my cousins Gary and Bruce for supper when we arrived before and then at Jaye's service the next day. Colleen did a nice presentation of her mom's life at the service.
July - ME and I helped Bonna move to Moose Jaw. There were a few bumps along the way, but ME managed to find her a small apartment and I helped arrange her moving van and flight for her and her kitties. She is now waiting for her furniture to arrive.
Present - Kayla has a house guest. ME's Jack Russell, Bentley (AKA Tripod) is visiting despite Majik's disapproval. Tripod will likely stay until ME gets back from Denmark in a couple months. The adventures of this visit may be fodder for another blog post.
Now for the elephant in the room and the reason for the blog post - my health.
Since my last post there have been a few developments. I finally got to see the Respirologist and, although he didn't know the cause of my lung scarring, he said it wasn't IPF (Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis). He said IPF scarring goes from the bottom of the lung to the top and mine is going in the opposite direction.This took a huge load off my mind. He had me go for some more tests - walk tests, bronchoscopy, echo cardiogram. After these tests it was determined that I need O2 therapy when exerting myself (i.e. walking or doing mundane tasks like housework). I am still waiting to hear from the O2 supplier. The bronchoscopy didn't answer the question of what my diagnosis is so I now have to go for a biopsy of my lungs.
That brought me to a visit this week to the surgeon who will be doing the biopsy. I don't know what I was thinking, but I thought this would be a day surgery thing like the bronchoscopy was. Nope! I will get to enjoy a mini vacation courtesy of the Sask healthcare system. OK, I'm thinking - I can handle a short hospital stay no problem. Then the surgeon awakens a monster that I had thought had been slain - he brought up the dreaded IPF as a possibility.
When I had been concerned (OK, maybe concerned isn't the right term - more like shitting bricks!) last autumn, it had only been because I had found some scary information on the internet. Everyone knows you have to take Googled information with a grain (or a ton) of salt as any Tom, Dick or Jane can profess to knowing much more than they actually do. But now the monster has been raised as an option by a face to face meeting with a qualified surgeon! As you can imagine, I am now right back into the emotional turmoil I was in last fall plus.
I decided to write about it here as a way to maybe release some the the turmoil presently running wild in my mind. There is something about putting your concerns into words to help you focus. Even though I am not yet finished writing this post, I already feel a bit calmer and will focus more on what the Respirologist said about the path that IPF takes and that this is not the case for me. I will have to keep reminding myself of this whenever I start to get scared.
I will NOT allow this to keep me from doing the things I love to do. As I previously mentioned, I am in the process of arranging for a 2 week trip to Mexico to bask in the sun and enjoy the healing ocean breezes. For some reason, I feel like I can breathe much easier when near the ocean. I had to cancel my plans for a summer road trip this year due to waiting for appointments with Drs. and for tests, but am already thinking of where I can go next summer (Texas sounds appealing for some reason). I will just have to find ways to accommodate O2 in my travels!
Thanks for listening to my spiel. I expect to have my surgery in about 4 weeks so will keep you posted.
February - I went on my 2nd solo trip. For those not in the know, my first solo trip was a few years ago. I did a short road trip to North Dakota for a few days and found the trip kind of boring without someone to share it with. After this, I had some hesitation about going to Mexico alone but I thoroughly enjoyed the trip - in fact, I didn't want to go home after my week was up! I loved it so much that I bought a small 5 yr timeshare package. I am now in the process of booking my next trip there.
May - My oldest sister passed away unexpectedly at the young age of 67. Needless to say, this was a sad period for me. Her memorial service was done in Edmonton on July 28. It is sad that the only time I seem to get in touch with my cousins is at funerals. I got to see my cousins Gary and Bruce for supper when we arrived before and then at Jaye's service the next day. Colleen did a nice presentation of her mom's life at the service.
July - ME and I helped Bonna move to Moose Jaw. There were a few bumps along the way, but ME managed to find her a small apartment and I helped arrange her moving van and flight for her and her kitties. She is now waiting for her furniture to arrive.
Present - Kayla has a house guest. ME's Jack Russell, Bentley (AKA Tripod) is visiting despite Majik's disapproval. Tripod will likely stay until ME gets back from Denmark in a couple months. The adventures of this visit may be fodder for another blog post.
Now for the elephant in the room and the reason for the blog post - my health.
Since my last post there have been a few developments. I finally got to see the Respirologist and, although he didn't know the cause of my lung scarring, he said it wasn't IPF (Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis). He said IPF scarring goes from the bottom of the lung to the top and mine is going in the opposite direction.This took a huge load off my mind. He had me go for some more tests - walk tests, bronchoscopy, echo cardiogram. After these tests it was determined that I need O2 therapy when exerting myself (i.e. walking or doing mundane tasks like housework). I am still waiting to hear from the O2 supplier. The bronchoscopy didn't answer the question of what my diagnosis is so I now have to go for a biopsy of my lungs.
That brought me to a visit this week to the surgeon who will be doing the biopsy. I don't know what I was thinking, but I thought this would be a day surgery thing like the bronchoscopy was. Nope! I will get to enjoy a mini vacation courtesy of the Sask healthcare system. OK, I'm thinking - I can handle a short hospital stay no problem. Then the surgeon awakens a monster that I had thought had been slain - he brought up the dreaded IPF as a possibility.
When I had been concerned (OK, maybe concerned isn't the right term - more like shitting bricks!) last autumn, it had only been because I had found some scary information on the internet. Everyone knows you have to take Googled information with a grain (or a ton) of salt as any Tom, Dick or Jane can profess to knowing much more than they actually do. But now the monster has been raised as an option by a face to face meeting with a qualified surgeon! As you can imagine, I am now right back into the emotional turmoil I was in last fall plus.
I decided to write about it here as a way to maybe release some the the turmoil presently running wild in my mind. There is something about putting your concerns into words to help you focus. Even though I am not yet finished writing this post, I already feel a bit calmer and will focus more on what the Respirologist said about the path that IPF takes and that this is not the case for me. I will have to keep reminding myself of this whenever I start to get scared.
I will NOT allow this to keep me from doing the things I love to do. As I previously mentioned, I am in the process of arranging for a 2 week trip to Mexico to bask in the sun and enjoy the healing ocean breezes. For some reason, I feel like I can breathe much easier when near the ocean. I had to cancel my plans for a summer road trip this year due to waiting for appointments with Drs. and for tests, but am already thinking of where I can go next summer (Texas sounds appealing for some reason). I will just have to find ways to accommodate O2 in my travels!
Thanks for listening to my spiel. I expect to have my surgery in about 4 weeks so will keep you posted.
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