I'M PISSED OFF!! AND YES I'M AWARE MY CAP LOCK IS ON! IT IS ON BECAUSE I'M YELLING!
I HATE NEEDING THE OXYGEN TANKS! I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATH PROPERLY WITHOUT IT. I can't even go to the fucking bathroom without getting out of breath let alone have a shower, make a meal, do housework and so on and so on. It scares the shit out of me that I can't catch my breath sometimes.
I HATE THE FRICKING COUGHING SPELLS AFTER EVEN A BIT OF EXERTION! I hate that I cough hard enough to make myself pee and sometimes even hard enough that I almost puke. I hate trying not to breathe deeply so I don't trigger another coughing spell when I know that damned tickle isn't going to go away until I do.
I HATE THAT MY FUCKING SHOULDER HURTS LIKE HELL IF I SO MUCH AS MOVE IT THE WRONG WAY FOR EVEN A SECOND! I'm having to learn new ways to dress, cook, etc. but I still forget sometimes and I pay for my forgetfulness with pain that is often enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and cry, screech out every swear word I know or at the very least bring tears to my eyes.
I HATE THAT MY POOR INNOCENT KITTY IS INJURED. And I hate myself because I just don't have the energy to look after her today. I hate that I just don't have it in me to give all the critters the attention they deserve.
I HATE THAT THIS GOD DAMNED HOUSE ISN'T SELLING SO I'M STUCK IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. OK, I know there are good parts about this town but I'm in MAD mode right now! I want to go home to where my friends and my kid is. I have a friend going through some shit right now and I'm not there to help her out.
I HATE THAT I MADE SUCH A STUPID BUNCH OF FRIGGING DECISIONS AFTER HOWARD DIED. I resent that no-one bitch-slapped me and told me to smarten up! I think in hind-sight that I was hoping someone would. I hate that I come across as so stubborn that my friends figured intervening wouldn't do any good.
I HATE THAT HOWARD UP AND DIED ON ME! When I meet up with him in the afterlife, I'm going to hug the hell out of him and then I'm going to beat the snot out of him for leaving me!
I HATE THAT MY SISTER DIED! She was just too young to go. I am mad as hell at her too because she probably wouldn't have died if she had followed Dr. orders and treated herself better. I'm mad that I didn't get off my ass and go to see her again while I still had the chance - 'I'll go see her later this summer' - yeah, that fucking played out well, didn't it!
I HATE THE DR. FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT IS CAUSING MY LUNG PROBLEM! He's the fucking Dr. so he should know what it is and how to make it better!
I HATE DEATH PERIOD! I miss my mommy so much every day, I miss seeing my dad whenever I would drive into the Supermarket parking lot. I think of him every time I hear a train whistle blow. I miss my awesome brother-in-law who was taken by the hated fricking cancer. Hell, I even resent that death took my grandparents before I was born so I never got to know them.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY I'M A STRONG WOMAN! I'm no stronger than anyone else. I just don't show that I'm hurting because everyone has their own problems to deal with and don't need mine as well! That is BULLSHIT! I do want some people to know so they can hug me or hold my hand until I don't feel so damned alone/scared/hurt. I do want someone to cry with me, thus letting me know it is OK to cry once in a while. I want to know that someone out there really does give a damn about me!
SOMETIMES I EVEN HATE MYSELF! I hate that I can't allow myself to cry, I hate that I feel so much - sometimes I wish I could just be that gal that doesn't give a crap about others.
I REALLY HATE THAT I'M SCARED THAT THESE DAMNED, FUCKING LUNGS WON'T GET BETTER! I keep trying to focus on what the Dr. said about the progress of the scarring on my lungs - IPF goes from bottom up and mine is going from top down but aren't always successful. I don't have the foggiest frigging clue what that truly means but I'm terrified about it being IPF and a potential death sentence. I really wish I hadn't googled lung scarring when I first learned that I may have some.
I so want to talk to someone about all this but I don't want to put my problems on anyone else's shoulders. I guess I'll just continue to suck it up and hope that one day I don't explode!
I am afraid to use the O2 too often as have only a limited supply to use every month. I've only had the tanks since Monday and have already used up one and most of another.
Rant over. Writing this and my previous bout of yelling to no-one (but the dogs weren't sure if they should run or come to make me feel better) seems to have eased my mood a bit. Now I am exhausted so I think a nap may be in order.
Til we meet again.
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