Just a Yammer

Just realized I hadn't posted this.  So it may appear out of the correct timeline.
Feeling pretty low today so thought I'd see if writing it down would help.  Sometimes it does.
This waiting to hear if I have cancer or not is driving me to feel more and more depressed.  I start thinking that I should get everything in order for should I croak in the near future.  Maybe give away/sell much of my craft supplies and dejunk all my belongings to having only what makes me happy and is necessary for daily life.  Thing is that I feel so low, that I don't really have the energy to do anything about it.  I try to shake myself loose of this feeling but it keeps creeping back.
I know I should find something good to think about but all I can think about is the NSIP and the possibility of cancer.  Both of these things can potentially end my life.  I'm just not ready to die yet!
Thankfully, the wait for the biopsy will be over soon then I just have to wait to find out the results.  I'm hoping the Dr. will call me asap to tell me yay or nay.
I say I'm not afraid of dying, and for the most part, that is true.  I am afraid of being sick and dependent on others and part of me is afraid that if/when I do get close to the end, I'll be left alone as family and friends distance themselves from me to preserve themselves.  I know how that works, as I've done it myself.
I've heard so much about the NSIP patients getting pneumonia from a simple cold and almost dying from it that I'm almost afraid to go out in public.  On the cancer side, everyone knows how hard the chemo and radiation can be on the body.  I don't want to be bald and I definitely don't want to feel or be sick.
I hate feeling like I'm in the dark about it all!  The people on the NSIP pages I follow seem to know so much more about the disease than I do - I feel like the Dr. is avoiding telling me anything.  Is this because he doesn't think I can handle it or because he doesn't know himself?  If he doesn't know much about the disease, I would hope he would send me to someone who does.  Maybe I should ask next time I see him.  If I hear the stock answer that each case is different one more time, I think I'm going to scream!  I'm not stupid so I realize that everyone responds differently to any disease but surely he can give me some ideas of what to expect in the future.  Not telling me isn't going to make the disease go away and I don't think I'll start being a hypochondriac overnight.
At least the surgeon who I'm seeing about the possible cancer has been straight with me and has told me what my options may be and what the complications may be as far as he knows now. 
Enough complaining for now.  May enter more later but I do feel a bit better getting it off my chest.