The time has come,' the Walrus said,

...

      To talk of many things:

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —

      Of cabbages — and kings —

And why the sea is boiling hot —

      And whether pigs have wings.'

I'm finally ready mentally to consider what my options are for the end of my life.  As Canada now has legal assisted dying, I have that option available to me.  I also have the options of hospice care although I'm not totally sure what that would include.  There is also the option of unassisted suicide but I can't see me going that route.  I think that next week it will be time to set up an appointment to talk to Amanda and/or Josh about these options. 

As with so many other aspects of this disease, I seem to have a weight lifted once I've decided on something.  I feel sad that the disease has brought me to this place, but relieved somewhat to have finally grabbed the bull by the horns.

I'd like to stay in my home as long as I can without becoming a burden on anyone.  I realize that I need assistance with a multitude of things and I am lucky in that I can pay someone to do some of the things needed.  I have Brenda to come clean the house and she will do things like change the bedding and do my laundry while she is here.  Home Care staff are getting paid to do their part so I don't feel like I am a burden to them, it is their job to look after people like me.  Kaede I am able to pay to do my shopping so I don't feel too bad about asking her to get groceries and stuff for me.  I am also thinking that B should be able to help out a bit more around the house as he is living here rent free.  It's going to be time to have a chat with him soon about what I expect and what he is willing to do.  We are going to have to have the 'talk' soon about my wishes for the end of my life.  It's going to be a tough one but we can't avoid having the conversation forever.

When I can no longer manage to stay at home on my own, I need to find out what my options are.  I'm thinking that having a staff stay with me would be much to costly for me so will probably need to go to a place in the city.  I guess that once I'm at that point, maybe it won't bother me as much to give up on my last bits of independence.  As I said, Amanda and/or Josh can fill me in on what I can expect.

Another thing that is bothering me is the need to go to Dr. appointments.  As my oxygen requirements are so high, just thinking about having to go for an appointment is very stressful.  I have a couple of appointments coming up next month and will need to contact them to find out if we can talk on the phone rather than me going to their offices.  To go to the office I would need at least 6 tanks for the trip there and back as well as whatever number of tanks for the duration of the appointment. (in other words, I would have to take every tank I have with me and try to find some way to manage them).  I think I mentioned in my last post about the oncologist appointment cancellation - The Dr. is on board with my cancelling the CT scan and his follow up appointment.  If the cancer does rear its ugly head again, treatment will likely cause more problems than it will solve.  My other appointments are for the hematologist and with the ILD pulmonologist.  I also think that somewhere down the road I will have to deal with seeing a urologist for my kidney and liver but I'm going to try to ignore that for now.

Something I should be thinking about is going to bed at decent times.  I've been spending much too much time dozing in my chair instead of going to bed.  Need to work on that issue.  For example, it is now 2 a.m. and I just woke from a mini nap again - didn't go to bed at all last night.

I decided it is time to start to use the walker in the house.  It does make it easier to get around.  Between that and using the narcotic whenever I need to do something, I should be able to make my life a bit more manageable.

Talk again soon!

Christmas Spirit Missing

Christmas is just a few short days away and I just don't seem to have any Christmas spirit.

I don't want to think this way, but I keep thinking that this will be my last Christmas and I'll be with my mom and hubby next year.  That I'll see them again has been the only silver lining (although not the best one) I've been able to find for this disease.

NSIP is taking and taking from me.  I'm no longer driving my car, I'm stuck in the house 24/7 tethered to the machines, taking narcotics without worrying about getting addicted and needing assistance with all but the most minor activities.
I am not a candidate for lung transplant because of the cancer so my options are only a natural death or euthanasia.  I'm leaning towards the latter so I have at least some degree of control.
Cancelled my cancer x-ray and the oncologist is on board about the reasons why.  He feels that there wouldn't be much he could do if the cancer does come back.  Also cancelled my nephrology appointment.  If my kidneys and liver do decide to cause problems, I'll deal with that then.

I worry about my son and how he will deal with my death - his dad's death hit him hard and I want to know that he has a solid support system in place before I go.

At least I can still crochet and hopefully my craft room will get useable in the near future so I can make cards. I've been busy making Christmas gifts for everyone in my family so they will have something from me when I'm gone.  Don't know if they will appreciate them but all I can do is try.

Good news is that I now have some money.  Got my pension finally and now my car is paid off.  Have the money to travel - now if only I could figure out a way to do so.  Ain't that a hoot!  Maybe I'll give B some cash for Christmas so he can at least get out of debt.

This post hasn't been so much cathartic like previous ones but I figured that before I started writing it.  Guess it is a good thing that no one reads my posts this one is especially depressing.  Wonder if anyone will read them when I'm gone.

Good Company and Bad Days

My sister and her daughter were here this week to help organize B's stuff so my living areas are accessible.  They did an awesome job and my niece did some baking as well for the Christmas party.  I'm so glad they were able to come and help me out.  I really appreciate it!
ME brought 3 of her dogs and Kari brought hers so there were lots of dogs around the house as well as all the activity.  Majik mostly stayed hidden in my bedroom but was starting to venture out yesterday.  They are gone now and the house feels empty, back to just me and the 2 critters.  B is at work.  

Health-wise I haven't been doing well.  I run out of breath with the littlest of exertion.  Have a new drug to take that is supposed to help with this but it doesn't really seem to be helping except when I take a lot of doses of it (can take it up to every 10 min and the most I think I've taken in a day is 8 or 9 doses).  Have the nurse practitioner coming on Tues to see about increasing the dose and hopefully getting me some relief.
Finding it very depressing that I keep dropping in ability to do things - really hoping things take a turn for the better and soon!
My cough is back although still not as bad as pre-prednisone so I guess I'm ahead of the game with that.  Wish ME and Kari hadn't had to see me at my worst.  They were awesome at bringing me coffee, meals, etc.  
Got Laura to visit with them a couple of times and another niece (Colleen) was able to come by to see them as well.  I enjoyed listening to their chatter.  Not doing a lot of talking myself as too damned out of breath!  I so wanted to join in but had to realize the penalty would be too high.

Have an appointment at the Cross on Wed.  I sure hope I am more able to move about by then or I may have to cancel.  I can't move the appointment so will have to suck it up and go or wait until mid Jan for a rebook.  Now to find someone who can take me.

Short post today.  Nothing else to add.  Talk another day