Memories of a Friend

Wow!  Time sure has a way of sneaking up on you when you're busy with life.

It has been 5 years now since my best friend, husband and sometimes adversary was taken from this world.

When Howard died, I was enveloped in a self pitying fog and all I could think of was how much I hurt.  I tried to focus on my son's hurt but that was as far out as I could reach.  It seemed to take a long time before I could start to acknowledge that other people were hurting just as much.   It seems strange to say it but I remember being truly surprised to realize that his brother and his family were also hurting.

I think that day was the turning point for me - when I went from being so wrapped up in my own misery to accepting the fact that he was indeed gone from this life and wasn't coming back no matter how hard I wished.  It wasn't really such a great step from this point to deciding that I had to choose between curling up into a ball and letting life pass me by or pulling myself up out of the fog and making a new life for myself.  I've seen people who have chosen both paths and absolutely refused to allow myself to wallow in self pity and withdraw from friends and family.  I opted to embrace life and honour his memory by moving on.  I am eternally grateful to my friends and family who gave me their love and support - I don't know that I could have dispelled the fog without you.

Much has happened since then - I decided to retire from my career of almost 30 years and to move to a new home in a new town.  I've had to learn (or in some cases, re-learn) how to do many things, from fixing a toilet to car maintenance.  I've continued to travel - something Howard and I had developed a love for. 

I've had times when I'm so angry at Howard for 'deserting' me that I would gleefully hit him and times when I had to laugh at some random memory. There are many times when I open my mouth and out pops a Howardism.  When I feel like I just can't make it, I can hear him saying 'suck it up, princess' and sometimes when I am feeling low I can almost feel his arms around me lending me his strength. 

Being touched by sudden death makes you realize that tomorrow may never come so you need to live every day as if it were your last and every good-bye as if it is the last. I don't want to ever again have to regret words left unsaid or hugs not given.

Howard taught me that life is not to be feared but embraced.  If he hadn't convinced me to give love a chance, my life would be missing so much.  Yes it hurts that he was taken away but his willingness to share his life was such a wonderful gift.  I would rather have the pain of losing him than the emptiness of never having loved him. 

Howard never asked for anything in return except perhaps honesty and friendship and gave so much of himself to everyone he knew.  He was a friend that you could count on to share your laughs and tears, to give support in times of need, to be a sounding board and often played the devil's advocate.  If you told him something in confidence, you knew it would stay that way.  He loved to laugh and the sound of his laughter is one of my favorite memories.  He loved his son with all of his heart - no father could have been prouder of his son than Howard was.  He loved his parents, his brother, neices and nephews as well as a multitude of relatives and friends.

When preparing for his funeral, I grasped onto one saying that I still think describes Howard to a T - He lived, he laughed, he loved. And his love was returned by the bucketful.

Rest in Peace Howard
You will always be remembered