Damn Everything!

Just a note to get it out of my system.  Feeling low today.
  
Pissed off about everything and nothing.  Damned cough that makes my throat sore, makes me pee a bit (thank heavens for pads!) and leaves me feeling exhausted.  Damned NSIP for existing!  Damned cancer! Sorry that others have to go through these dreadful diseases and that some don't make it.  Damned CRPS and sorry my friend has to deal with the constant pain.  Damned me that I can't do anything to help her or make these diseases disappear. Damned sun for shining when I feel like shit! Damned dog for barking at everything.  Damn feeling out of breath when doing just basic things like getting dressed, making coffee, living.  Damn Dr. for not telling me anything and damn me for not knowing what to ask.  Damn God for allowing these diseases and all disease to exist! Basically just damn EVERYTHING!!

Being on the FaceBook support pages have been helpful in allowing me to vent without being judged and for teaching me different things about the diseases.  But they are also depressing when I read how some don't survive and that some have way worse problems than I do.  I suppose I should feel lucky that I'm doing better than some on the NSIP pages but instead I get scared wondering if this is what I get to look forward to.  On the cancer support pages, I see that some have survived the disease for years beyond what the Dr's thought they would, some who are now cancer-free and these give me some hope.  Flip side - those who don't make it, those who are very ill, and scariest of all is the reports from people who thought they had beat it only to have it reappear!  I'm going to have to decide if the benefits of the pages outweigh the cons and if I should continue to visit the pages or leave them.

Regarding the cancer, I got my dates for the mock-up and first treatment.  I go for the mock-up (dry run or, as my sister put it, dress rehearsal) on Wed and the first treatment on Fri.  I wasn't particularly anxious about the treatments until I got the actual date then the anxiety set if. I'm nervous as shit!  I will get the rest of the schedule for treatments when I go on Fri.  

I really want Howard to be here with me as I continue on this journey but he was snatched from me and Branigan. (another reason to be pissed off at God).  I also find myself wanting my Mom!  Guess we can grow up but we never stop needing our mommy.  

I had determined (before the cancer made its appearance) that I was going to treat the NSIP as a just another unplanned road trip and accept whatever comes will have its own form of beauty and awe.  With the cancer, I kind of forgot about that decision.  I had acquired a sense of peace from making that decision and I really want to get that back but I'm having a tough time getting there.  I guess I just need to get through the cancer treatments and go from there.  Maybe I need a new analogy for this journey through life.  Anyone have any suggestions?

Feeling a little better now that I've gotten my rant and fears out.  Will talk again soon I expect.