Just felt like writing down what's up today.
Health-wise I'm OK, mood is a little down but manageable. I was able to get some stuff done around the house today without running out of breath big-time so I guess it was a good day.
My weight has been climbing again. Don't want that to happen so guess I should try cutting back on my intake a bit. (this said after eating pizza pops for supper lol).
Talked to the radiation oncologist today. He sounds very pleasant and was patient with me although I'm sure he has a lot of other things he could have been doing instead of talking to me. My chest discomfort on the left side is to be expected as the tumour is at the top of my left lung and may be pressing against the surrounding muscles, etc. He didn't know why I would have any discomfort on the right side.
The pulmonary hypertension he said I should discuss with my pulmonologist.
My dates for treatment were being discussed as we spoke and they are trying to figure out how to fit me into the schedule as my treatments will be a bit longer than most. (silly me, I didn't ask him why)
He said I should be able to book my trip around the end of April/beginning of May. Any side effects of the treatment should be over by then. I looked up the availability of travel at the end of April and it is all sold out so beginning of May looks more promising. I don't want to leave it any longer as the price hikes up a lot for the summer season.
As the evening progresses, I find my mood is getting lower. I can't help but think that I've been dealt a losing hand - first the NSIP which will eventually kill me as it has no cure, then the cancer. It's kind of funny that when I was told by my GP and then again by my first pulmonologist that 'at least it isn't cancer', my internal reaction was anger as at least there is a possibility of beating cancer. When I said as much to the Drs. they seemed surprised at my reaction. Low and behold, a year plus later and I'm told I have cancer. And it does seem that this cancer can be beaten with a few radiation treatments. The down side to the treatments is that they may cause the fibrosis caused by the NSIP to worsen.
I feel like I'm living on borrowed time and don't have any options to stop the clock! 100% mortality with the NSIP and a 20% chance the cancer won't be cured by the treatments. It is so aggravating that I don't have control over my future! I'm not ready to give up by any imagination but the specter of death is always hanging over me these days.
Yeah, I know....sucks to be me, now pull up the big girl panties and get on with life.
Venting here is always cathartic for me. I used to be a little bit sad that no one ever read this blog but now I'm happy that they don't. That way I can feel like I can write whatever I want without hurting anyone's feelings. I can be as bitchy or tearful as I want.
Enough for today. Talk again maybe tomorrow or whenever.
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